Last week we worked on helping children understand their own feelings and linking different kinds of touch with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ feelings.This week we’ll look at feelings again and how adults and kids can practice the skills needed to talk about emotions.
With the pressures of everyday life, many of us who care for children can end up contradicting children’s feelings without even meaning to. Does this scenario sound familiar?:
Child: “I don’t want to go to kindy, I HATE kindy”
Adult: “No you don’t hate kindy! You said you loved it yesterday.”
 
OR
Adult: “We are going to go visit Gran today”
Child: “I don’t like Gran, I don’t want to go”
Adult: “Don’t be silly, you love Gran! She loves you!”
 
Sometimes kids can express feelings which are difficult to deal with, or don’t work with everything that needs to be done to run a household. These are tricky moments and understandably adults often just need things to flow smoothly.
In these moments, adults have an opportunity to build on kids’ abuse prevention skills or to undermine them. When we tell children they don’t feel like they say they do (e.g. ‘you don’t hate Gran’ or ‘you really like kindy’), we create confusion in them and make them doubt their own feelings. Abusers often use confusion to keep children quiet by telling kids that something feels nice when it is actually confusing or scary.
In everyday life we know that feelings change, and our kids are unlikely to hate kindy or Gran forever.  It’s important that we still acknowledge children’s feelings regardless of whether we think they are always true. When we take children’s feelings seriously, it helps them develop faith in their own perceptions and to know that we will believe them.
NOTE: Acknowledging kids’ feelings doesn’t mean we always have to change our plans, but it does mean that we can take these opportunities to help kids know that we respect that they know about how they feel.
There are some great resources for adults in these situations here https://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/Preventive_Maintenance_to_Keep_Your_Child_Out_of_the_Breakdown_Lane
 
This week’s activity:

• Sing songs with the kids about expressing emotion like ‘If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands’.
  • Try getting them to change the feeling and choose a way of expressing it (e.g. ‘If you’re sad and you know it have a cry’, ‘If you’re angry and you know it take a deep breath’, If you’re excited and you know it give a squeal’ etc. ).
• When a child expresses a feeling that’s inconvenient in the moment, try giving them your full attention and acknowledging their feelings before focusing on what you’re going to do about it.
• Get a book out of the library about feelings and read it together.

You can explain to kids that some kinds of touches can make us feel good and we call them ‘yes’ feelings, while others can make us feel scared, or yukky and that we can call these ‘no’ feelings. Some feelings might start as a yes, but end up feeling a no like when you are on a swing and it goes too high and makes you feel scared or sick, or when someone tickles us for too long.
It is important to help kids understand that they should tell an adult about any touching which makes them have a no feeling or where there is both yes and no feelings together.
Help them understand that different people like different kinds of touch and that it is up to each person to decide what gives them a yes or no feeling (e.g. Grandma gets a no feeling from a foot massage, and I get a yes feeling. It is ok that we like different things because we ea Last week, we looked at helping children identify feelings. How did you get on with the exercises? Did you find that praising children for telling you about their feelings encouraged them to do it more? How many feelings are your children able to identify so far?
This week, we will be talking about how to help children understand the link between feelings and touch.ch get to decide if a touch gives us a yes or no feeling’).
If discussion about touching genitals comes up, remind them about the touching rules for private parts. (1. Its ok to touch your own 2. it’s not ok to touch someone else’s 3.It’s not ok for someone else to touch yours).
This week caregivers can:

• Explore different kinds of touches and ask if these touches give them a yes feeling or a no feeling? You might like to help them experience some (usually pleasant) touching (e.g. rubbing hands with moisturiser, scratching skin lightly, patting a friendly cat) and ask if that gives them a nice feeling and helping them name that as a ‘yes’ feeling? Then ask if they get a yes or a no feeling when someone punches, kicks, or hits them.
• Use this language through the week when they are hurt by someone or if they seem to enjoy some touching (e.g. “Did it give you a no feeling when your sister hit you?, “Are you having a yes feeling patting the cat?”)
• Affirm that no one should be touching anyone else in a way that gives them a no feeling. (E.g. “you told me that you get a no feeling when grandma gives you a kiss goodbye. You don’t have to do any touch which makes you have a no feeling. Would you like to wave or do a hi5 instead?”)

PS. let the child decide if something feels nice or not. Remind them that it is their body and their feelings and they can decide.

Last week we focused on setting in place some touching rules for private parts so children are clear on what is and is not appropriate touch. How did that go? People sometimes find it most difficult to talk with people outside their own home about the touching rules. Did you find a way to raise it with your friends/ daycare/ extended family that you would like to share?
This week we will be looking at feelings and how to help children develop a way to understand and express their own feelings.
This can help with child sexual abuse prevention because it makes it easier for children to talk about their worried and difficult feelings.  You can help children talk about worried feelings by teaching your child to put their feelings into words.
The first step is to help kids understand their own feelings and to name them.
This week, we invite caregivers to:

1. Give words to children’s feelings (e.g. “You look happy, is that right?” ) and play a game to try and name how other people might be feeling ( https://www.mamashappyhive.com/learning-emotions-feelings/ )
2. Show you are interested in understanding why they are feeling that way (e.g. “Are you happy because you have your favourite toy?”).
3. Affirm them for telling you about their feelings (e.g. “Thank you for telling me”).

Welcome back! Last week we focused on helping children feel positive about their bodies and what they can do. How did you find the exercises? How did you adapt them for your child/ren?
This week, we are focusing on putting in place some touching rules for private parts. This is so that children are clear about what is and is not appropriate touch. Read on for more information …
Pre-schoolers are wonderful concrete thinkers. They like to learn the rules for things and to remind us when we break them (remember that time you forgot to put your seatbelt on right away? Or that time they reminded their grandparents to ‘make it click’?).
You can use this to your advantage by putting in place some touching rules for bodies which follow them wherever they are.
Touching rules should cover who’s allowed to touch their private parts (penis, vulva/vagina, anus) and what to do if someone breaks the rules. Touching rules can give your child the confidence to say it is not ok and to tell you if someone tries to touch their private parts (we will cover this in more detail soon, in the meantime tell them that they should tell you regardless of who has done it and you will listen).
Touching rules for private parts include:

1. Its ok to touch your own
2. it’s not ok to touch someone else’s
3. it’s not ok for someone else to touch yours

It can help to give them information about any exceptions to the touching rules (e.g. a doctor or nurse might touch your private parts, but I will be there with you if this ever needs to happen).
This week caregivers can:

• Make a display chart (with the kids) listing the 3 touching rules for private parts and put it on the fridge.
• Affirm the kids when they use the touching rules (or police them with each other) and if they tell you about any breaches (even if they are innocent).
• Affirm that their private parts are their own, just like all the other parts of their body.
• Let people know your touching rules wherever you go (e.g. “I should probably let you know, we’ve been talking about touching rules for private parts recently, so it might get mentioned today. Just so you know, our touching rules are ‘it is ok to touch your own, it’s not ok to touch someone else’s, and it’s not ok for someone else to touch yours’. It is leading to some pretty funny conversations but please do let me know if there is any confusion about it all. We are working on body safety stuff at the moment and I’d really appreciate your help to reinforce it all.”) 

​Welcome back!
Last week we focused on using the proper names for body parts in a calm and matter of fact way. How did you get on with the exercises? Was it unusual to use the proper names or was it just normal for your household?

This week we will be developing even more body awareness. This time we
are focusing on helping kids feel positive about their own body so they feel great about owning and being in control of their body (an important part of child sexual abuse prevention).
Helping kids understand that different parts of their bodies have different functions helps them see their body as special, and a tool they own that they can use to do all sorts of things.
This is the foundation of body ownership, where we teach kids that their body is their own and that there are some touching rules people need to follow – which we will cover next week.
 
This week caregivers can:

1. Praise children for the wonderful things their bodies can do (focus on the fact that bodies are here because they can do cool things). (e.g. “Whose foot is that? Is it my foot? No? is it yours?! Wow. What can it help you do? Yes! it can help you walk around. Isn’t that cool to have feet?”)
2. Have some fun with kids by asking them which part of their body they would like to wave goodbye with when someone is leaving.

Ps. kids might become more assertive (or sometimes quite playful) about their bodies at this stage. It is ok to let them know that the parts of our bodies which are usually covered by togs are our private parts (vulva/vagina or penis and anus) and that we usually don’t wave goodbye with those parts because they are private) because saying goodbye is often something we do in public.

Last week we were talking about how important it is to show children that we are available to listen to them, that we want them to tell us about things that are bothering them. How did you get on with the exercises last week?  We found the easiest part telling the kids we loved them and wanted to hear if something was bothering them. How about you?
This week we will be talking about bodies and how important it is to use the proper names for bodies!
Children who know the proper names of their body parts, including their genitals, and are used to talking about their bodies with their caregivers may find it easier to talk about inappropriate touching if it happens.
The more matter-of-factually, and without embarrassment, we can talk about bodies, the easier it is for children to talk to us about those parts of their bodies. They often learn from us what is embarrassing or shameful, and if we are not embarrassed talking about bodies it can make it easier for them. When children don’t hear their adults talking about bodies, they can learn that it’s something they shouldn’t talk about, which can make it hard to speak up about inappropriate touch.
This week caregivers can:

1. Practice saying the proper names for genitals (vulva, penis, vagina, testicles, bottom) so you can say these words without embarrassment/shame.
2. Help children name the different parts of their body when helping them wash/ dry themselves.
3. Help them understand that it is their body and it belongs to them. (e.g. “who’s knee is that? Yes, that is your knee!”)

Welcome back!
​Last week we talked about how
important your relationship with your
child is for preventing child sexual abuse (check out our post on the 1st December). How did you get on with the exercises?

We also did them, and noticed the number of times where demands on our time were split over work, kids and other things.
It seemed to help to make eye contact with the kids, even if to just say we’d be there in a moment. How did you get on?

​This week, we will be talking about how to react when a child tells us about abuse.
​
We know from research that what happens when a child tells someone about abuse is really important in their later recovery from the whole experience.
That’s why if a child chooses you as their safe person and tells you about abuse we should aim to:

• Be calm (they are watching how you react to see if they have done something wrong)
• Stay emotionally connected to the child (put aside your feelings so you can stay connected to their emotional needs)
• Listen and take what they are saying seriously
• Praise them for their bravery in telling
• Reassure them it is not their fault and that you’ll help
• Ensure that the child is safe now (if not, call the Police).

Then:

• Get help (from an agency like HELP Auckland).
• Protect the child’s privacy in the family or community (talk with HELP about who might need to know and how to tell the child about this)
• Offer ongoing love and support
• Get support for yourself (while you might be solely focused on your child, it is much like putting your own oxygen mask on before being able to help your child)

You can follow the last four points even if a child hasn’t told you directly but you suspect abuse has happened. It is important to act on abuse right away.
This week we would like to invite you to practice:

• Listening carefully and taking children’s concerns (about anything) seriously
• Thanking kids for telling you about things they’re worried about
• Telling your child that you love them and care about how they are feeling
• Letting kids know it’s good to share feelings because sometimes parents can help fix problems.​

Children who feel emotionally secure and well-loved are less vulnerable because they are less likely to respond well to a person’s attempts to charm them or coerce them. They are also more likely to tell and be believed if something does happen.
A good relationship with your child reduces the likelihood that someone will choose your child to abuse. A good relationship with a child is:

• Warm and loving
• Respectful
• Empathic (you care about how they feel)
• Open (where people feel they can talk about how they feel)
• Where you’ll be available for them when they feel good, AND when they feel bad.

You can develop a good relationship with your child by:

1. Having fun together
2. Being consistent (not unpredictable) in the way you react
3. Developing a culture of listening to each other
4. Show interest in what your child thinks about things.
5. Showing you care about how they feel (even if you cannot always change it). 

This week, we would like to invite you to think about the quality of your relationship with the kids around you. Consider:

• How do you show you’re available to listen? (e.g. looking at them when they speak, nodding your head).
• How do you show you care about your child’s feelings? (e.g. “Oh honey, I can see you are really upset”)
• How do you handle your own feelings when your child tells you something which upsets you? (e.g. give myself compassion, take a deep breath, think about how I want to react. Tell them I am glad they told me, and keep my voice calm and warm).
•  What fun have you had together this week?

For information about connecting with your child check out Aha Parenting  https://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=7652287&A=SearchResult&SearchID=11209610&ObjectID=7652287&ObjectType=1

The best kind of child sexual abuse prevention is the kind that is repeated (not just once), and in a range of different settings (pre-school, home, clubs, extended family). When everyone around a child reinforces the same messages, it can help kids to be safer from sexual abuse.
You don’t have to do this alone. If you are looking for a safe, evaluated pre-school program, you might like to check out our ‘We Can Keep Safe’ Preschool Program  ( https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/help-for-pre-schoolers.html ). It’s designed to run in early childhood settings (kindys, playschools, daycares etc.) and is a fun, interactive way to help keep kids safe from sexual abuse. If you are in the Auckland region, you can ask your centre to consider bringing the programme in.
Earlier this year, one of our presenters was stopped in the supermarket by a grateful mother of a primary school aged child who had done the programme some years ago.
 “The girl had recently been involved in an incident in which a person tried to get her to be sexual with him. The girl got away immediately, and told her parents when she got home that she did that because she knew that she was the boss of her body, a key message from the programme.”
Tune in this Saturday for an overview of what kinds of things can help prevent child sexual abuse.

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In New Zealand, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys may experience child sexual abuse before they turn 16. Most of these children are sexually abused by someone they (and their family) know and trust.

While it’s understandable that stats like these can leave people feeling overwhelmed, there is something we can all do to help stop child sexual abuse.

We can:
1. Speak up if we are concerned about a child at risk (e.g. contact Oranga Tamariki 0508 326 459; or HELP Auckland 09 623 1700 if you need to talk it through first)
2. Do something to lessen the likelihood of child sexual abuse happening in the first place.
There are lots of things adults can do to help stop child sexual abuse from ever happening in the first place – and the strategies are simple and easy to follow.
Over the next few months, on Saturday mornings, we’ll be publishing some Facebook and Instagram posts so that everyday people can help prevent child sexual abuse. The activities will be based on our pre-school prevention program ‘We Can Keep Safe’, so they’ll be age appropriate, easy to follow and won’t upset the kids. 
Whether you are a caregiver, grandparent, teacher, Aunty/ Uncle, coach or family friend, there is something we can all do to help kids grow up safe from child sexual abuse. 
Please join us in creating a movement for child safety. Share the posts, talk with people you know, and try the strategies - together we really can make a difference.
Link to statistics page from HELP website https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/sexual-abuse-statistics.html

The survivor of the St Mary's Bay attack has asked HELP to share her press statement through our site, as this statement was not released, as she had hoped for by the media, after the sentencing last week. Through releasing her statement, she hopes that through sharing that her thoughts and feelings about her experience accurately and in her own words, that this may help others. 
 

I initially thought I would write something that would be positive, showing how I did not identify myself as a victim or a survivor but a "Champion", and with a good therapist, avoid PTSD and remain resilient.  
​
Yes, what happened to me was horrible.  Yet, I am wary that releasing a statement will be another 'catchy' headline that detracts from deeper societal issues.  I emphasize that the real problem seems to be partner violence.  I do not know if my experience of sexual assault and its aftermath and recovery can help those individuals and their communities.

However, I urge anybody who witnesses or experiences a sexual assault to not remain silent and suffer.  I am grateful for the Auckland Police and for their intense effort to find the stranger who attacked me. Additionally, I am grateful that the bicyclist came along at the right time and heard me.  In hard times, I am appreciative that Steven Pinker wrote these words to remind me of the good humanity can do as well as the way I choose to act for my well-being and others: 
Humans are not innately good (just as they are not innately evil), but they come equipped with motives that can orient them away from violence and toward cooperation and altruism. Empathy (particularly in the sense of sympathetic concern) prompts us to feel the pain of others and to align their interests with our own. Self-control allows us to anticipate the consequences of acting on our impulses and to inhibit them accordingly. The moral sense sanctifies a set of norms and taboos that govern the interactions among people in a culture, sometimes in ways that decrease violence, though often (when the norms are tribal, authoritarian, or puritanical) in ways that increase it. And the faculty of reason allows us to extricate ourselves from our parochial vantage points, to reflect on the ways in which we live our lives, to deduce ways in which we could be better off, and to guide the application of the other better angels of our nature.  (from The Better Angels of Our Nature)
 

Hi, I’m Nic Mason and I recently switched from being a 'once or twice a year' donor to being a regular monthly giver.

Having the power to improve the lives of others is important to me.  It’s a privilege to stand beside HELP every month and give them my consistent financial support.  Its gives me a real feeling of belonging and making a difference.

I found monthly giving simple and easy to track and budget for.  I hardly notice the difference and at the end of the financial year HELP send me an annual receipt to claim back on my tax.


To become a regular giver got to: 
donorbox.org/donate-to-help-auckland-be-part-of-the-solution