Tamara Waugh is a handy person to know in a crowd. She knows exactly what everyone around her is doing and the location of the nearest exit. While having eyes like a hawk may sound like a helpful trait to have, there's a heart breaking reason behind her hypervigilance - she's endured years of sexual abuse. She is looking for ways to escape and keep safe!
 
You can listen to Tamara’s story here .
 
Tamara is aware that this is a time where everyone is expected to be full of happy smiles and Christmas cheer, when in reality that might be extremely far away from how a survivor may actually be feeling.
There are many survivors of rape and sexual abuse who don’t see their families, which can make this time of year even more difficult because there is a big emphasis on family life.  
Sexual abuse is much more common than is generally known because it is still such a sensitive subject that many people are uncomfortable admitting it has happened to them. By the time survivors are ready to ask for help, sometimes years later, the abuse may have had a devastating impact on many aspects of their life. It can affect emotions, behaviours, relationships, family life, and educational and professional achievement. Survivors of abuse may experience anxiety, flashbacks, depression, eating disorders, addictions, self-harm and suicidal feelings.
HELP can’t take away what has happened but we can help survivors find a way to move past it and lead an empowered, fulfilling life. And we can give young people (and their parents, teachers the tools to keep themselves as safe as possible from abuse.  Whether you can give time, skills or money to support our work, we need you. Help us to prevent abuse and support survivors of abuse and continue supporting survivors like Tamara. 

Donate Now

ASB Marathon
HELPathon team
 
We knocked the Bridge off! What a walk / run by a team of 14. We had staff, board members, family of staff, kindergartens, students and general public supporting us. We have raised nearly $10,000 and delighted with the effort. Thank you all. You can still donate to the team now. 

​Art and Canape evening with Mary Kisler
 
Our night on the 31st October featuring Mary Kisler, Senior Art Curator, raised $10,000 for HELP Auckland.

A big thank you Kelliher Charitable Trust for hosting the event. Chef Kit Perera for chef for a night for 12 people and Paul Van Dorp with Terrace Downs for a week for four people through our live auction. Lynn Clayton Fine Art Photography for her piece of art work as well as all of the silent auction donors.

We could not have done it without you all.

 
The report, titled Attrition and progression: Reported sexual violence victimisations in the criminal justice system, analyses 23,739 sexual violence cases reported to police between July 2014 and June 2018. Conviction rates have NOT improved since the last report four years ago.The data showed that for every 100 sexual violence incidents reported to the police, only 31 made it to court, 11 resulted in a conviction and six in imprisonment.

Low conviction rates remain challenging especially for cases involving children. HELP Auckland would like to see changes to the court process for children. Children are put into situations as if they're small adults, and while the legislative changes are going to address that to some degree in terms of ensuring children can understand the questions put to them, it still seems that our processes are fixated on criminal justice rather than getting children safe. Jan Logie, MP, has announced changes to the court system recently and improvements are being implemented. 

​The long awaited Public hearing into child abuse in state care has begun. 
Survivors of child abuse testified before a New Zealand state commission as the nation opened a two-week public hearing. Around 100,000 children and adults were taken from their families between 1950 and 1999. We await the results.

A support group is backing a new service to help reduce trauma for sexual violence survivors. The pilot programme, announced by Social Development Minister Carmel Sepuloni on Monday, will offer sexual violence survivors psycho-social support from Sexual Abuse HELP Foundation (HELP) as they move through the court system. It is being trialled for a year in Auckland.
HELP Executive Director Kathryn McPhillips said people entering the justice system often feel re-victimised and the programme will help people deal with those feelings. "Primarily it helps people learn to manage what's going to happen to them in that process," she told Newshub. Ms McPhillips believes the programme will make a difference and could lead to more convictions in sexual violence cases. "The right kind of support provided to survivors can mean that conviction rate rises," she said.

31st October 
6pm to 8.30pm
Venue: Kelliher Charitable Trust, Parnell

Mary Kisler, Senior Art Curator at Auckland Art Gallery, will present her book on Frances Hodgkins’ life and art work ‘Finding Frances Hodgkins’. Frances was one of our most talented artists and as you can see a truly amazing spirit with her own determination and individuality during a challenging era for women.  

Feel like you are travelling through Europe with Mary and Frances!! A special night not to be missed!

Auction prizes and raffle on the night.
Tickets: $75 pp or $140 for two includes wine and canapes.
Tickets through supporthelp@helpauckland.org.nz

​HELP opens new office in Albany Village to offer support sessions for people on the the North Shore. Sylvia Yandall, Crisis Team Manager, with our Kaumatua, Papa Fred, officiated at the opening on Monday.#listensupportheal

Need On October 20th HELP Auckland is putting together a HELPathon team in each of these categories at the Auckland Marathon. Something for everyone! 

• 2km kids’ marathon
• 5km family walk
• 12km traverse
• Half marathon
• Full marathon

 
This EveryDay Hero page helps you ask friends, family / whanau, colleagues, gym buddies and the rest of your mates to support you and HELP Auckland. 

After you have made your EveryDay Hero page, click here, you will still need to register yourself with the Auckland Marathon here. 

Teeshirts provided for training and the event. Cheerleaders and lots of support prior and during the event. Party at finish line!!

Do it yourself or make a team. Create a crazy name and make a day of it!
You could be a ‘Me Too’ person or a 'You Too' as you will know someone!

Need more information email supporthelp@helpauckland.org.nz

In New Zealand, sexual abuse is one of the key social problems undermining the health and well-being of our population today. However, for a myriad of social reasons it is often left undiscussed and unaddressed.
                                                                 
                                                           DONATE HERE

People are becoming more and more aware of the disastrous impacts of sexual abuse and the shocking prevalence of it here in New Zealand / Aotearoa. The recent TV coverage has highlighted not only the appalling incidence in our communities but also in parliament! 
Research suggests that up to 1 in 3 girls might be subject to an unwanted sexual experience by the age of 16 and international studies have tended to find a figure of 1 in 7 boys.  In 50% of cases, abuse occurred on multiple occasions.

As a result of the increase in demand we have had to close our books for those who need ongoing counselling until more resources become available. The people affected by our service limitation are girls from age 2 years, boys up to age 8 years with their family / whanau; youth and women up to the age of 70 years. Our clients come from all walks of life but are predominantly low income, high need children, youth and women.

We desperately want to open our waiting list up again so that we can see more clients in need of urgent counselling and support. HELP needs two more part time counsellors urgently. That is $33,547 each. This will allow us to open our waiting list again.

Can you help us raise this amount? We all know someone impacted by sexual abuse and/or assault – maybe you are a ‘Me Too’ survivor.
We congratulate the government on the new fund to support sexual abuse in the community! Well done Jan Loggie for her advocacy to make this happen. This will still leave us with a shortfall in our funding.

In the words of a survivor:
“Words cannot express the gratitude and thanks that I would like to say, but thank you, and the thought that I am on the right path may give you comfort for the work that you do”.
We are committed to continuing to provide specialist services to help victims become survivors as they reclaim their lives after the devastation that sexual violence causes. 

Should you wish to talk directly to our new fundraiser, Ruth Davy, about volunteering, supporting us in kind or running an event or leaving a legacy in your Will contact us here. 

Your donation is gratefully appreciated. 

Welcome Ruth Davy to HELP Auckland as fundraiser. Ruth will be establishing ‘peer to peer’ platforms for fundraising, an annual awareness and fundraising campaign and regular events. Watch this space. Ruth has led not for profits for 27 years and is delighted to be able work with HELP. Her passion to make a difference and her skill creating fundraising systems are welcomed by us all. #fundraiseforacause  
If you would like to talk to Ruth about running an event, supporting HELP, joining the Auckland Marathon with the 'Helpathon' team email supporthelp@helpauckland.org.nz

​Last week we started to look at reducing the risk of child sexual abuse from people around children, specifically during babysitting. This week we are talking about sleepovers and how adults can help kids be safer from sexual abuse while they’re staying away from home.
Because some sexual abuse happens during care moments, sleepovers are safer when your kids can bath, toilet and dress themselves. Before this, it is a good idea to restrict sleepovers to people you know best.
Before the sleepover, check out the plans for the night. Find out who will be supervising and find out where the kids will be sleeping and who else will be there. Check with your kids whether they genuinely want to sleepover with the other children. Make sure that they’re not feeling pressured or attracted by something else in the house like games, toys, xbox etc. and that they will not have access to R rated games/movies/internet.
You can let the adults at the sleepover know about your family’s ‘touching rules’ and ‘no secrets’ rule in your family by saying something like “oh I thought I should probably mention that if Jo says something like ‘I’m not allowed to keep secrets’ or mentions ‘touching rules’, that it’s something our family has recently put in place. Touching rules are rules for private parts and say that it is ok to touch your own, it is not ok to touch someone else’s, and it is not ok for someone else to touch yours’. It is something we are heard about through HELP: Auckland. If you have any questions about any of it, please sing out”.
Arrange to call your child before bedtime to check their comfort levels. Make sure they know they can phone at any time – even in the middle of the night- if they are worried or concerned. It can help to arrange this in front of the sleepover parents so they know what you will be doing.
This Week’s Activities
Make a reminder list in your phone to use when your child has sleepovers. The list could include prompts like:
Babysitting checklist

• Does my kid genuinely want to go?
• What will the kids be doing? (check access to R rated material)
• Who’ll be supervising?
• Where will kids be sleeping (and with who)?
• Remind kids and sleepover parents about our ‘touching’ and ‘no secrets’ rules.
• Let supervising adults know you’ll call before bedtime and that your child can phone you anytime.

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​This week we will look at Babysitting and how to set up safer informal child care so that kids are safer when you’re not around.
It’s useful to understand that around half of all offending against children is done by teenagers (both male and female), and that teens who sexually abuse will often do so during baby-sitting. Babysitting (and sexual abuse) can be done by people of all ages so precautions should be taken regardless of the age of the babysitter.
​
You can minimise risk associated with informal childcare (babysitting) by:

• Asking for references and check if past families had any concerns about safety.
• Spending time watching them interact with your children before you leave.
• Watching for cues of unsafe behaviour (https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/unsafe-adult-behaviour.html ).
• Not allowing babysitters to bring other people into your home while they are caring for your kids.

If family members are babysitting your kids:

• Remind them about the kind of touching and privacy that’s expected in your family (see our earlier post).
• If the family member has a partner or person with them that you’re not familiar with, make it clear that you are expecting the family member to care for the kids and that they shouldn’t be left alone with the other person.

This Week’s Activities:

• Talk about the kind of touching and privacy that is ok in your family. Ask the kids if they think these rules apply when they are being cared for by other people too?
• During Babysitting, mention to the babysitter that the kids might say ‘don’t keep secrets’ or may say something about ‘touching rules’ and show them the posters on your fridge as context. Ask them for their help in reinforcing these messages with the kids.
• After babysitting, ask your kids how they felt being cared for, and listen to what they tell you. Ask an open-ended question like, ‘how was it being baby sat by Aunty and Uncle last night?’ ‘Would you like to be looked after again by them?’

 
Please note, if you have an older child who has started babysitting other children you might like to talk with them about how they can also help keep kids safe by following the above strategies. You can also encourage them to talk with you about how comfortable they feel with the family they are babysitting, and develop specific strategies for minimising the time they are alone with the adults of the family (for example when they are being dropped home after babysitting). Being employed by another person should never make someone feel they cannot speak up about something that makes them uncomfortable.

​​How did you get on with last week’s activities around secrets? We heard that one child clearly told their grandparent that they couldn’t keep a sneaky feed of fish and chips secret from their mum because their household ‘only had surprises not secrets!’. Super cute and great to see children taking on the ‘no secrets’ rule so thoroughly.
Over the next few weeks, we will be looking at the people in children’s lives and how to minimise the risk of sexual abuse from them. A key part of this is to understand what clues might exist that someone is unsafe around kids.
Unfortunately, it is not possible to tell who is a risk to children by just looking at them. It is also not useful to assume someone is safe around children because they are in a position of trust (e.g. father/uncle/mother/grandparent/sibling), as most people who abuse children are known and trusted by the family.
If we want to protect children from sexual abuse, we need to notice WHAT people are doing around children, not WHO they are.
Positive behaviour to look out for in adults and older children include:

• People respect children’s wishes about how they are touched; such as when a child says to stop tickling or play fighting when they have had enough.
• Respecting children’s privacy around bathing and dressing.
• People being open to comments if their behaviour around children causes concern to others.

Concerning behaviour to look out for:

• Insisting on hugging, touching, tickling, wrestling or holding a child even when the child doesn’t want it.
• Talking about the sexuality or body development of a particular child/ teenager in front of the young person.
• Talking about inappropriate sexual behaviour with kids (e.g. talking about children feeling each other up/ pashing), or calling them sexual names, even in a joking way.
• Creating opportunities to be alone with a child where they won’t be interrupted.
• Spending lots of his/her spare time with kids and having little interest in spending time with people their own age.
• Making you feel ‘shut-out’ as a parent or isolating your child.
• Regularly offering to baby-sit for free, or taking children/ teens on overnight outings or holidays alone.
• Buying kids expensive gifts or food for no reason.
• Allowing kids to get away with inappropriate behaviours and having secrets with children.
• Repeatedly intruding on a child’s privacy by ‘accidentally’ walking in on them in the toilet, bathroom, or when getting dressed.
• Insisting on having an older child sleep with him/her.
• Excessive control over a child, like not letting the child be involved in activities outside the home or not allowing kids to make decisions for themselves.
• Visiting children’s chatrooms or downloading child pornography from the internet.
• Wanting their sexual partner to dress as a child or pretend they are a child during sex.

Please note: you don’t have to observe all these behaviours or be 100% sure that abuse is happening in order to seek help. If you know someone who behaves in any of these ways, this person may have a problem. The Safe to Talk Helpline can put you in touch with an organisation who can help.

People who sexually abuse children often encourage children to keep what they are doing a secret using:

• Guilt e.g. ‘you made me do this’, ‘this would destroy your mother if she found out’’,
• Denial e.g. ‘no one will believe you’
• Fear e.g. ‘if you tell I will kill your pet/ sister/ family’, or
• By making a child feel special e.g. ‘this is our special secret’.

We can help protect children from grooming and abuse by creating a ‘no secrets rule’ with kids. This kind of a rule can mean that people with harmful behaviours are less likely to choose your family to abuse; and if they do try to sexually abuse a child, the child is more likely to tell because they know that secrets are not allowed.
Make sure that children understand they should never keep a secret about any kind of touching, and that they won’t get into trouble if they tell you about any kind of secret.
This Week’s Activities:

• Make a ‘no secrets in our family’ poster or download a colouring in page with your kids and hang it on the fridge.
• Let kids know that you want to know if someone tries to get them to keep a secret and that nothing bad will happen to them (or anyone else) if they tell.
• Tell extended family members and caregivers about your ‘no secrets’ rule and ask for their support by not asking the kids to keep any secrets.
• Find out more about how other families deal with having a ‘no secrets’ rule.
• Help older pre-school children differentiate between secrets and a surprises by giving them scenarios and asking them to tell you if they think it is a secret or a surprise. E.g. “if I said ‘don’t tell your brother you got ice-cream while they were asleep’ would that be a secret or a surprise?”  and “If your mum takes you shopping to buy your sister a birthday present and tells you not to tell anyone what you bought, would you call that a Secret or a Surprise?” Be clear that a surprise is something people will find out about it soon and people can talk openly about it, but a secret is something people are asked to never tell anyone about.
• Read ‘What’s wrong with bottoms’ or watch ‘Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept’ and ask the kids to spot when a character comes across a secret. Ask the kids what the character should do about it? 

​​Part of helping to prevent child sexual abuse is being able to identify other people’s unsafe behaviour around children.
Unfortunately, it is not always easy to identify people who sexually abuse children. This is because people who harm children do not look any different than other people, and are most often people known and trusted by the family. Often, they are also members of the family and may be a child or young person themselves.
People who sexually abuse children typically ‘groom’ or prepare the family and child so they can carry out the abuse. They first usually gain the trust of the family, and then move on to create a special bond with the child, and make opportunities to be alone with the child. This process is called ‘grooming’.
Sometimes children are threatened to keep quiet about the abuse, and other times the child is encouraged to see the behaviour as a special or positive thing.
The first thing adults can do to identify possible ‘grooming’ is to look beyond WHO the people are around our kids, and focus on WHAT they are doing.  While it is often difficult to see, there are some behaviours that might indicate that someone is ‘grooming’ you or your child for sexual abuse.  Look out for people who:

• give gifts to children for no reason
• have a ‘favourite’ child
• like to be alone with a child
• have sleepovers with children
• don’t respect personal privacy and boundaries of children (e.g. walking in on children in the bathroom or getting dressed, tickling or holding children when they are uncomfortable with what is going on)
• offer to babysit alone with children
• comment on children’s bodies and sexual development
• seem annoyed or impatient if their time alone with kids is interrupted or observed.

Activity:

• Let your child know that you want to know if ANYONE breaks the three touching rules for private parts.
  • Let them know that you will believe and listen to them even if it is someone you know and love.
• Read ‘What’s Wrong with Bottoms’ with your child and talk about how good it is that the boy told his mum about the uncle touching his bottom.
• For extra information check out the booklet ‘Ending Offending Together’ (link http://rpe.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Ending_Offending_Together1.pdf )

 
 

Welcome back.
​Now that the kids have identified some adults they feel safe talking to, it’s important they also understand that there are some situations where adults might be busy or not be able to hear what they have to say. This doesn’t mean that they should stop telling, but more that they might need to keep telling until someone helps.
It is important for adults to also remember that children can express their distress in a variety of ways other than telling, and that it is our job to keep an eye out for behavioural, emotional or physical signs that they might not be ok (https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/childrens-sexual-behaviour-whats-normal-and-whats-not.html ). If we notice signs that a child is not ok, we can call a service like Safe to Talk helpline, Oranga Tamariki, a parenting centre, or HELP to ask for support about what to do next.
Activity:

• Remind the kids about the ‘safe adults’ they have chosen in last week’s drawing
• Ask them what would they do if the first person they wanted to talk to was busy?
• Help them understand that they might need to try to tell that person over and over until they listen.
• Tell them that if one person is not able to listen, they should try another of their safe adults and keep telling until someone helps.
• Get a book about ‘telling’ out of the library and read it together (HELP has a range of books on this topic).

Now that the kids have identified some adults they feel safe talking to, it’s important they also understand that there are some situations where adults might be busy or not be able to hear what they have to say. This doesn’t mean that they should stop telling, but more that they might need to keep telling until someone helps.
It is important for adults to also remember that children can express their distress in a variety of ways other than telling, and that it is our job to keep an eye out for behavioural, emotional or physical signs that they might not be ok (https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/childrens-sexual-behaviour-whats-normal-and-whats-not.html ). If we notice signs that a child is not ok, we can call a service like Safe to Talk helpline, Oranga Tamariki, a parenting centre, or HELP to ask for support about what to do next.
Activity:

• Remind the kids about the ‘safe adults’ they have chosen in last week’s drawing
• Ask them what would they do if the first person they wanted to talk to was busy?
• Help them understand that they might need to try to tell that person over and over until they listen.
• Tell them that if one person is not able to listen, they should try another of their safe adults and keep telling until someone helps.
• Get a book about ‘telling’ out of the library and read it together (HELP has a range of books on this topic).