In New Zealand, sexual abuse is one of the key social problems undermining the health and well-being of our population today. However, for a myriad of social reasons it is often left undiscussed and unaddressed.
                                                                 
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People are becoming more and more aware of the disastrous impacts of sexual abuse and the shocking prevalence of it here in New Zealand / Aotearoa. The recent TV coverage has highlighted not only the appalling incidence in our communities but also in parliament! 
Research suggests that up to 1 in 3 girls might be subject to an unwanted sexual experience by the age of 16 and international studies have tended to find a figure of 1 in 7 boys.  In 50% of cases, abuse occurred on multiple occasions.

As a result of the increase in demand we have had to close our books for those who need ongoing counselling until more resources become available. The people affected by our service limitation are girls from age 2 years, boys up to age 8 years with their family / whanau; youth and women up to the age of 70 years. Our clients come from all walks of life but are predominantly low income, high need children, youth and women.

We desperately want to open our waiting list up again so that we can see more clients in need of urgent counselling and support. HELP needs two more part time counsellors urgently. That is $33,547 each. This will allow us to open our waiting list again.

Can you help us raise this amount? We all know someone impacted by sexual abuse and/or assault – maybe you are a ‘Me Too’ survivor.
We congratulate the government on the new fund to support sexual abuse in the community! Well done Jan Loggie for her advocacy to make this happen. This will still leave us with a shortfall in our funding.

In the words of a survivor:
“Words cannot express the gratitude and thanks that I would like to say, but thank you, and the thought that I am on the right path may give you comfort for the work that you do”.
We are committed to continuing to provide specialist services to help victims become survivors as they reclaim their lives after the devastation that sexual violence causes. 

Should you wish to talk directly to our new fundraiser, Ruth Davy, about volunteering, supporting us in kind or running an event or leaving a legacy in your Will contact us here. 

Your donation is gratefully appreciated. 

Welcome Ruth Davy to HELP Auckland as fundraiser. Ruth will be establishing ‘peer to peer’ platforms for fundraising, an annual awareness and fundraising campaign and regular events. Watch this space. Ruth has led not for profits for 27 years and is delighted to be able work with HELP. Her passion to make a difference and her skill creating fundraising systems are welcomed by us all. #fundraiseforacause  
If you would like to talk to Ruth about running an event, supporting HELP, joining the Auckland Marathon with the 'Helpathon' team email supporthelp@helpauckland.org.nz

​Last week we started to look at reducing the risk of child sexual abuse from people around children, specifically during babysitting. This week we are talking about sleepovers and how adults can help kids be safer from sexual abuse while they’re staying away from home.
Because some sexual abuse happens during care moments, sleepovers are safer when your kids can bath, toilet and dress themselves. Before this, it is a good idea to restrict sleepovers to people you know best.
Before the sleepover, check out the plans for the night. Find out who will be supervising and find out where the kids will be sleeping and who else will be there. Check with your kids whether they genuinely want to sleepover with the other children. Make sure that they’re not feeling pressured or attracted by something else in the house like games, toys, xbox etc. and that they will not have access to R rated games/movies/internet.
You can let the adults at the sleepover know about your family’s ‘touching rules’ and ‘no secrets’ rule in your family by saying something like “oh I thought I should probably mention that if Jo says something like ‘I’m not allowed to keep secrets’ or mentions ‘touching rules’, that it’s something our family has recently put in place. Touching rules are rules for private parts and say that it is ok to touch your own, it is not ok to touch someone else’s, and it is not ok for someone else to touch yours’. It is something we are heard about through HELP: Auckland. If you have any questions about any of it, please sing out”.
Arrange to call your child before bedtime to check their comfort levels. Make sure they know they can phone at any time – even in the middle of the night- if they are worried or concerned. It can help to arrange this in front of the sleepover parents so they know what you will be doing.
This Week’s Activities
Make a reminder list in your phone to use when your child has sleepovers. The list could include prompts like:
Babysitting checklist

• Does my kid genuinely want to go?
• What will the kids be doing? (check access to R rated material)
• Who’ll be supervising?
• Where will kids be sleeping (and with who)?
• Remind kids and sleepover parents about our ‘touching’ and ‘no secrets’ rules.
• Let supervising adults know you’ll call before bedtime and that your child can phone you anytime.

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​This week we will look at Babysitting and how to set up safer informal child care so that kids are safer when you’re not around.
It’s useful to understand that around half of all offending against children is done by teenagers (both male and female), and that teens who sexually abuse will often do so during baby-sitting. Babysitting (and sexual abuse) can be done by people of all ages so precautions should be taken regardless of the age of the babysitter.
​
You can minimise risk associated with informal childcare (babysitting) by:

• Asking for references and check if past families had any concerns about safety.
• Spending time watching them interact with your children before you leave.
• Watching for cues of unsafe behaviour (https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/unsafe-adult-behaviour.html ).
• Not allowing babysitters to bring other people into your home while they are caring for your kids.

If family members are babysitting your kids:

• Remind them about the kind of touching and privacy that’s expected in your family (see our earlier post).
• If the family member has a partner or person with them that you’re not familiar with, make it clear that you are expecting the family member to care for the kids and that they shouldn’t be left alone with the other person.

This Week’s Activities:

• Talk about the kind of touching and privacy that is ok in your family. Ask the kids if they think these rules apply when they are being cared for by other people too?
• During Babysitting, mention to the babysitter that the kids might say ‘don’t keep secrets’ or may say something about ‘touching rules’ and show them the posters on your fridge as context. Ask them for their help in reinforcing these messages with the kids.
• After babysitting, ask your kids how they felt being cared for, and listen to what they tell you. Ask an open-ended question like, ‘how was it being baby sat by Aunty and Uncle last night?’ ‘Would you like to be looked after again by them?’

 
Please note, if you have an older child who has started babysitting other children you might like to talk with them about how they can also help keep kids safe by following the above strategies. You can also encourage them to talk with you about how comfortable they feel with the family they are babysitting, and develop specific strategies for minimising the time they are alone with the adults of the family (for example when they are being dropped home after babysitting). Being employed by another person should never make someone feel they cannot speak up about something that makes them uncomfortable.

​​How did you get on with last week’s activities around secrets? We heard that one child clearly told their grandparent that they couldn’t keep a sneaky feed of fish and chips secret from their mum because their household ‘only had surprises not secrets!’. Super cute and great to see children taking on the ‘no secrets’ rule so thoroughly.
Over the next few weeks, we will be looking at the people in children’s lives and how to minimise the risk of sexual abuse from them. A key part of this is to understand what clues might exist that someone is unsafe around kids.
Unfortunately, it is not possible to tell who is a risk to children by just looking at them. It is also not useful to assume someone is safe around children because they are in a position of trust (e.g. father/uncle/mother/grandparent/sibling), as most people who abuse children are known and trusted by the family.
If we want to protect children from sexual abuse, we need to notice WHAT people are doing around children, not WHO they are.
Positive behaviour to look out for in adults and older children include:

• People respect children’s wishes about how they are touched; such as when a child says to stop tickling or play fighting when they have had enough.
• Respecting children’s privacy around bathing and dressing.
• People being open to comments if their behaviour around children causes concern to others.

Concerning behaviour to look out for:

• Insisting on hugging, touching, tickling, wrestling or holding a child even when the child doesn’t want it.
• Talking about the sexuality or body development of a particular child/ teenager in front of the young person.
• Talking about inappropriate sexual behaviour with kids (e.g. talking about children feeling each other up/ pashing), or calling them sexual names, even in a joking way.
• Creating opportunities to be alone with a child where they won’t be interrupted.
• Spending lots of his/her spare time with kids and having little interest in spending time with people their own age.
• Making you feel ‘shut-out’ as a parent or isolating your child.
• Regularly offering to baby-sit for free, or taking children/ teens on overnight outings or holidays alone.
• Buying kids expensive gifts or food for no reason.
• Allowing kids to get away with inappropriate behaviours and having secrets with children.
• Repeatedly intruding on a child’s privacy by ‘accidentally’ walking in on them in the toilet, bathroom, or when getting dressed.
• Insisting on having an older child sleep with him/her.
• Excessive control over a child, like not letting the child be involved in activities outside the home or not allowing kids to make decisions for themselves.
• Visiting children’s chatrooms or downloading child pornography from the internet.
• Wanting their sexual partner to dress as a child or pretend they are a child during sex.

Please note: you don’t have to observe all these behaviours or be 100% sure that abuse is happening in order to seek help. If you know someone who behaves in any of these ways, this person may have a problem. The Safe to Talk Helpline can put you in touch with an organisation who can help.

People who sexually abuse children often encourage children to keep what they are doing a secret using:

• Guilt e.g. ‘you made me do this’, ‘this would destroy your mother if she found out’’,
• Denial e.g. ‘no one will believe you’
• Fear e.g. ‘if you tell I will kill your pet/ sister/ family’, or
• By making a child feel special e.g. ‘this is our special secret’.

We can help protect children from grooming and abuse by creating a ‘no secrets rule’ with kids. This kind of a rule can mean that people with harmful behaviours are less likely to choose your family to abuse; and if they do try to sexually abuse a child, the child is more likely to tell because they know that secrets are not allowed.
Make sure that children understand they should never keep a secret about any kind of touching, and that they won’t get into trouble if they tell you about any kind of secret.
This Week’s Activities:

• Make a ‘no secrets in our family’ poster or download a colouring in page with your kids and hang it on the fridge.
• Let kids know that you want to know if someone tries to get them to keep a secret and that nothing bad will happen to them (or anyone else) if they tell.
• Tell extended family members and caregivers about your ‘no secrets’ rule and ask for their support by not asking the kids to keep any secrets.
• Find out more about how other families deal with having a ‘no secrets’ rule.
• Help older pre-school children differentiate between secrets and a surprises by giving them scenarios and asking them to tell you if they think it is a secret or a surprise. E.g. “if I said ‘don’t tell your brother you got ice-cream while they were asleep’ would that be a secret or a surprise?”  and “If your mum takes you shopping to buy your sister a birthday present and tells you not to tell anyone what you bought, would you call that a Secret or a Surprise?” Be clear that a surprise is something people will find out about it soon and people can talk openly about it, but a secret is something people are asked to never tell anyone about.
• Read ‘What’s wrong with bottoms’ or watch ‘Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept’ and ask the kids to spot when a character comes across a secret. Ask the kids what the character should do about it? 

​​Part of helping to prevent child sexual abuse is being able to identify other people’s unsafe behaviour around children.
Unfortunately, it is not always easy to identify people who sexually abuse children. This is because people who harm children do not look any different than other people, and are most often people known and trusted by the family. Often, they are also members of the family and may be a child or young person themselves.
People who sexually abuse children typically ‘groom’ or prepare the family and child so they can carry out the abuse. They first usually gain the trust of the family, and then move on to create a special bond with the child, and make opportunities to be alone with the child. This process is called ‘grooming’.
Sometimes children are threatened to keep quiet about the abuse, and other times the child is encouraged to see the behaviour as a special or positive thing.
The first thing adults can do to identify possible ‘grooming’ is to look beyond WHO the people are around our kids, and focus on WHAT they are doing.  While it is often difficult to see, there are some behaviours that might indicate that someone is ‘grooming’ you or your child for sexual abuse.  Look out for people who:

• give gifts to children for no reason
• have a ‘favourite’ child
• like to be alone with a child
• have sleepovers with children
• don’t respect personal privacy and boundaries of children (e.g. walking in on children in the bathroom or getting dressed, tickling or holding children when they are uncomfortable with what is going on)
• offer to babysit alone with children
• comment on children’s bodies and sexual development
• seem annoyed or impatient if their time alone with kids is interrupted or observed.

Activity:

• Let your child know that you want to know if ANYONE breaks the three touching rules for private parts.
  • Let them know that you will believe and listen to them even if it is someone you know and love.
• Read ‘What’s Wrong with Bottoms’ with your child and talk about how good it is that the boy told his mum about the uncle touching his bottom.
• For extra information check out the booklet ‘Ending Offending Together’ (link http://rpe.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Ending_Offending_Together1.pdf )

 
 

Welcome back.
​Now that the kids have identified some adults they feel safe talking to, it’s important they also understand that there are some situations where adults might be busy or not be able to hear what they have to say. This doesn’t mean that they should stop telling, but more that they might need to keep telling until someone helps.
It is important for adults to also remember that children can express their distress in a variety of ways other than telling, and that it is our job to keep an eye out for behavioural, emotional or physical signs that they might not be ok (https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/childrens-sexual-behaviour-whats-normal-and-whats-not.html ). If we notice signs that a child is not ok, we can call a service like Safe to Talk helpline, Oranga Tamariki, a parenting centre, or HELP to ask for support about what to do next.
Activity:

• Remind the kids about the ‘safe adults’ they have chosen in last week’s drawing
• Ask them what would they do if the first person they wanted to talk to was busy?
• Help them understand that they might need to try to tell that person over and over until they listen.
• Tell them that if one person is not able to listen, they should try another of their safe adults and keep telling until someone helps.
• Get a book about ‘telling’ out of the library and read it together (HELP has a range of books on this topic).

Now that the kids have identified some adults they feel safe talking to, it’s important they also understand that there are some situations where adults might be busy or not be able to hear what they have to say. This doesn’t mean that they should stop telling, but more that they might need to keep telling until someone helps.
It is important for adults to also remember that children can express their distress in a variety of ways other than telling, and that it is our job to keep an eye out for behavioural, emotional or physical signs that they might not be ok (https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/childrens-sexual-behaviour-whats-normal-and-whats-not.html ). If we notice signs that a child is not ok, we can call a service like Safe to Talk helpline, Oranga Tamariki, a parenting centre, or HELP to ask for support about what to do next.
Activity:

• Remind the kids about the ‘safe adults’ they have chosen in last week’s drawing
• Ask them what would they do if the first person they wanted to talk to was busy?
• Help them understand that they might need to try to tell that person over and over until they listen.
• Tell them that if one person is not able to listen, they should try another of their safe adults and keep telling until someone helps.
• Get a book about ‘telling’ out of the library and read it together (HELP has a range of books on this topic).

This week, we are supporting kids to tell us about unwanted touching.
​
A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the kinds of touch that might give us a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ feeling. In that post, we helped children understand that some kinds of touch can give us a ‘yes’ feeling, like patting a friendly cat, or having a gentle hand massage. Other kinds of touch can give us a ‘no’ feeling, like hitting, punching, biting, or being hugged when you don’t want it.
​Some touch might even start out as a ‘yes’ feeling and then change to a ‘no’ feeling, like when you swing too high on a swing, or when a nice massage gets too hard.
Kids need to know what to do if they get a ‘no’ feeling or a ‘yes and no’ feeling about any touch. This can help prevent abuse, but can also help with bullying or other kinds of negative experiences.
While you are using the ‘yes’ feeling and ‘no’ feeling language, ask your child what they think they could do if they get a ‘no’ feeling about any touch. Make sure that they know the three steps they should follow:

1. Say ‘Stop it, I don’t like it!’
2. Walk away
3. Tell a safe grown up.

Remind them that you would like to know about any touch that gives them a no feeling or a mixture of ‘yes and no’ feelings. Make sure they also know that you need to know about touch that someone asks them to keep a secret.
This week’s activity:

• Practice the three steps to follow for ‘no’ feelings
  • Apply these steps to any touching they do not like including hitting, biting etc.
• Give stickers to each member of the family and ask everyone to put stickers on the places on their body that they are ok with someone else touching.
  • Help kids see that each person has slightly different places they are ok with people touching (e.g. some people don’t like others touching their feet or head).
  • Remind the family about the three touching rules for private parts (it’s ok to touch your own, not ok to touch someone else’s and it is not ok for someone else to touch yours).

Borrow or buy the ‘Exceptional Children’s Guide to Touch’ and read it out loud to your child. Link in your three steps and touching rules to remind them of what they can do.

Last week we worked on helping children understand their own feelings and linking different kinds of touch with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ feelings.This week we’ll look at feelings again and how adults and kids can practice the skills needed to talk about emotions.
With the pressures of everyday life, many of us who care for children can end up contradicting children’s feelings without even meaning to. Does this scenario sound familiar?:
Child: “I don’t want to go to kindy, I HATE kindy”
Adult: “No you don’t hate kindy! You said you loved it yesterday.”
 
OR
Adult: “We are going to go visit Gran today”
Child: “I don’t like Gran, I don’t want to go”
Adult: “Don’t be silly, you love Gran! She loves you!”
 
Sometimes kids can express feelings which are difficult to deal with, or don’t work with everything that needs to be done to run a household. These are tricky moments and understandably adults often just need things to flow smoothly.
In these moments, adults have an opportunity to build on kids’ abuse prevention skills or to undermine them. When we tell children they don’t feel like they say they do (e.g. ‘you don’t hate Gran’ or ‘you really like kindy’), we create confusion in them and make them doubt their own feelings. Abusers often use confusion to keep children quiet by telling kids that something feels nice when it is actually confusing or scary.
In everyday life we know that feelings change, and our kids are unlikely to hate kindy or Gran forever.  It’s important that we still acknowledge children’s feelings regardless of whether we think they are always true. When we take children’s feelings seriously, it helps them develop faith in their own perceptions and to know that we will believe them.
NOTE: Acknowledging kids’ feelings doesn’t mean we always have to change our plans, but it does mean that we can take these opportunities to help kids know that we respect that they know about how they feel.
There are some great resources for adults in these situations here https://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/Preventive_Maintenance_to_Keep_Your_Child_Out_of_the_Breakdown_Lane
 
This week’s activity:

• Sing songs with the kids about expressing emotion like ‘If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands’.
  • Try getting them to change the feeling and choose a way of expressing it (e.g. ‘If you’re sad and you know it have a cry’, ‘If you’re angry and you know it take a deep breath’, If you’re excited and you know it give a squeal’ etc. ).
• When a child expresses a feeling that’s inconvenient in the moment, try giving them your full attention and acknowledging their feelings before focusing on what you’re going to do about it.
• Get a book out of the library about feelings and read it together.

You can explain to kids that some kinds of touches can make us feel good and we call them ‘yes’ feelings, while others can make us feel scared, or yukky and that we can call these ‘no’ feelings. Some feelings might start as a yes, but end up feeling a no like when you are on a swing and it goes too high and makes you feel scared or sick, or when someone tickles us for too long.
It is important to help kids understand that they should tell an adult about any touching which makes them have a no feeling or where there is both yes and no feelings together.
Help them understand that different people like different kinds of touch and that it is up to each person to decide what gives them a yes or no feeling (e.g. Grandma gets a no feeling from a foot massage, and I get a yes feeling. It is ok that we like different things because we ea Last week, we looked at helping children identify feelings. How did you get on with the exercises? Did you find that praising children for telling you about their feelings encouraged them to do it more? How many feelings are your children able to identify so far?
This week, we will be talking about how to help children understand the link between feelings and touch.ch get to decide if a touch gives us a yes or no feeling’).
If discussion about touching genitals comes up, remind them about the touching rules for private parts. (1. Its ok to touch your own 2. it’s not ok to touch someone else’s 3.It’s not ok for someone else to touch yours).
This week caregivers can:

• Explore different kinds of touches and ask if these touches give them a yes feeling or a no feeling? You might like to help them experience some (usually pleasant) touching (e.g. rubbing hands with moisturiser, scratching skin lightly, patting a friendly cat) and ask if that gives them a nice feeling and helping them name that as a ‘yes’ feeling? Then ask if they get a yes or a no feeling when someone punches, kicks, or hits them.
• Use this language through the week when they are hurt by someone or if they seem to enjoy some touching (e.g. “Did it give you a no feeling when your sister hit you?, “Are you having a yes feeling patting the cat?”)
• Affirm that no one should be touching anyone else in a way that gives them a no feeling. (E.g. “you told me that you get a no feeling when grandma gives you a kiss goodbye. You don’t have to do any touch which makes you have a no feeling. Would you like to wave or do a hi5 instead?”)

PS. let the child decide if something feels nice or not. Remind them that it is their body and their feelings and they can decide.

Last week we focused on setting in place some touching rules for private parts so children are clear on what is and is not appropriate touch. How did that go? People sometimes find it most difficult to talk with people outside their own home about the touching rules. Did you find a way to raise it with your friends/ daycare/ extended family that you would like to share?
This week we will be looking at feelings and how to help children develop a way to understand and express their own feelings.
This can help with child sexual abuse prevention because it makes it easier for children to talk about their worried and difficult feelings.  You can help children talk about worried feelings by teaching your child to put their feelings into words.
The first step is to help kids understand their own feelings and to name them.
This week, we invite caregivers to:

1. Give words to children’s feelings (e.g. “You look happy, is that right?” ) and play a game to try and name how other people might be feeling ( https://www.mamashappyhive.com/learning-emotions-feelings/ )
2. Show you are interested in understanding why they are feeling that way (e.g. “Are you happy because you have your favourite toy?”).
3. Affirm them for telling you about their feelings (e.g. “Thank you for telling me”).

Welcome back! Last week we focused on helping children feel positive about their bodies and what they can do. How did you find the exercises? How did you adapt them for your child/ren?
This week, we are focusing on putting in place some touching rules for private parts. This is so that children are clear about what is and is not appropriate touch. Read on for more information …
Pre-schoolers are wonderful concrete thinkers. They like to learn the rules for things and to remind us when we break them (remember that time you forgot to put your seatbelt on right away? Or that time they reminded their grandparents to ‘make it click’?).
You can use this to your advantage by putting in place some touching rules for bodies which follow them wherever they are.
Touching rules should cover who’s allowed to touch their private parts (penis, vulva/vagina, anus) and what to do if someone breaks the rules. Touching rules can give your child the confidence to say it is not ok and to tell you if someone tries to touch their private parts (we will cover this in more detail soon, in the meantime tell them that they should tell you regardless of who has done it and you will listen).
Touching rules for private parts include:

1. Its ok to touch your own
2. it’s not ok to touch someone else’s
3. it’s not ok for someone else to touch yours

It can help to give them information about any exceptions to the touching rules (e.g. a doctor or nurse might touch your private parts, but I will be there with you if this ever needs to happen).
This week caregivers can:

• Make a display chart (with the kids) listing the 3 touching rules for private parts and put it on the fridge.
• Affirm the kids when they use the touching rules (or police them with each other) and if they tell you about any breaches (even if they are innocent).
• Affirm that their private parts are their own, just like all the other parts of their body.
• Let people know your touching rules wherever you go (e.g. “I should probably let you know, we’ve been talking about touching rules for private parts recently, so it might get mentioned today. Just so you know, our touching rules are ‘it is ok to touch your own, it’s not ok to touch someone else’s, and it’s not ok for someone else to touch yours’. It is leading to some pretty funny conversations but please do let me know if there is any confusion about it all. We are working on body safety stuff at the moment and I’d really appreciate your help to reinforce it all.”) 

​Welcome back!
Last week we focused on using the proper names for body parts in a calm and matter of fact way. How did you get on with the exercises? Was it unusual to use the proper names or was it just normal for your household?

This week we will be developing even more body awareness. This time we
are focusing on helping kids feel positive about their own body so they feel great about owning and being in control of their body (an important part of child sexual abuse prevention).
Helping kids understand that different parts of their bodies have different functions helps them see their body as special, and a tool they own that they can use to do all sorts of things.
This is the foundation of body ownership, where we teach kids that their body is their own and that there are some touching rules people need to follow – which we will cover next week.
 
This week caregivers can:

1. Praise children for the wonderful things their bodies can do (focus on the fact that bodies are here because they can do cool things). (e.g. “Whose foot is that? Is it my foot? No? is it yours?! Wow. What can it help you do? Yes! it can help you walk around. Isn’t that cool to have feet?”)
2. Have some fun with kids by asking them which part of their body they would like to wave goodbye with when someone is leaving.

Ps. kids might become more assertive (or sometimes quite playful) about their bodies at this stage. It is ok to let them know that the parts of our bodies which are usually covered by togs are our private parts (vulva/vagina or penis and anus) and that we usually don’t wave goodbye with those parts because they are private) because saying goodbye is often something we do in public.

Last week we were talking about how important it is to show children that we are available to listen to them, that we want them to tell us about things that are bothering them. How did you get on with the exercises last week?  We found the easiest part telling the kids we loved them and wanted to hear if something was bothering them. How about you?
This week we will be talking about bodies and how important it is to use the proper names for bodies!
Children who know the proper names of their body parts, including their genitals, and are used to talking about their bodies with their caregivers may find it easier to talk about inappropriate touching if it happens.
The more matter-of-factually, and without embarrassment, we can talk about bodies, the easier it is for children to talk to us about those parts of their bodies. They often learn from us what is embarrassing or shameful, and if we are not embarrassed talking about bodies it can make it easier for them. When children don’t hear their adults talking about bodies, they can learn that it’s something they shouldn’t talk about, which can make it hard to speak up about inappropriate touch.
This week caregivers can:

1. Practice saying the proper names for genitals (vulva, penis, vagina, testicles, bottom) so you can say these words without embarrassment/shame.
2. Help children name the different parts of their body when helping them wash/ dry themselves.
3. Help them understand that it is their body and it belongs to them. (e.g. “who’s knee is that? Yes, that is your knee!”)

Welcome back!
​Last week we talked about how
important your relationship with your
child is for preventing child sexual abuse (check out our post on the 1st December). How did you get on with the exercises?

We also did them, and noticed the number of times where demands on our time were split over work, kids and other things.
It seemed to help to make eye contact with the kids, even if to just say we’d be there in a moment. How did you get on?

​This week, we will be talking about how to react when a child tells us about abuse.
​
We know from research that what happens when a child tells someone about abuse is really important in their later recovery from the whole experience.
That’s why if a child chooses you as their safe person and tells you about abuse we should aim to:

• Be calm (they are watching how you react to see if they have done something wrong)
• Stay emotionally connected to the child (put aside your feelings so you can stay connected to their emotional needs)
• Listen and take what they are saying seriously
• Praise them for their bravery in telling
• Reassure them it is not their fault and that you’ll help
• Ensure that the child is safe now (if not, call the Police).

Then:

• Get help (from an agency like HELP Auckland).
• Protect the child’s privacy in the family or community (talk with HELP about who might need to know and how to tell the child about this)
• Offer ongoing love and support
• Get support for yourself (while you might be solely focused on your child, it is much like putting your own oxygen mask on before being able to help your child)

You can follow the last four points even if a child hasn’t told you directly but you suspect abuse has happened. It is important to act on abuse right away.
This week we would like to invite you to practice:

• Listening carefully and taking children’s concerns (about anything) seriously
• Thanking kids for telling you about things they’re worried about
• Telling your child that you love them and care about how they are feeling
• Letting kids know it’s good to share feelings because sometimes parents can help fix problems.​

Children who feel emotionally secure and well-loved are less vulnerable because they are less likely to respond well to a person’s attempts to charm them or coerce them. They are also more likely to tell and be believed if something does happen.
A good relationship with your child reduces the likelihood that someone will choose your child to abuse. A good relationship with a child is:

• Warm and loving
• Respectful
• Empathic (you care about how they feel)
• Open (where people feel they can talk about how they feel)
• Where you’ll be available for them when they feel good, AND when they feel bad.

You can develop a good relationship with your child by:

1. Having fun together
2. Being consistent (not unpredictable) in the way you react
3. Developing a culture of listening to each other
4. Show interest in what your child thinks about things.
5. Showing you care about how they feel (even if you cannot always change it). 

This week, we would like to invite you to think about the quality of your relationship with the kids around you. Consider:

• How do you show you’re available to listen? (e.g. looking at them when they speak, nodding your head).
• How do you show you care about your child’s feelings? (e.g. “Oh honey, I can see you are really upset”)
• How do you handle your own feelings when your child tells you something which upsets you? (e.g. give myself compassion, take a deep breath, think about how I want to react. Tell them I am glad they told me, and keep my voice calm and warm).
•  What fun have you had together this week?

For information about connecting with your child check out Aha Parenting  https://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=7652287&A=SearchResult&SearchID=11209610&ObjectID=7652287&ObjectType=1