​Last week we started to look at reducing the risk of child sexual abuse from people around children, specifically during babysitting. This week we are talking about sleepovers and how adults can help kids be safer from sexual abuse while they’re staying away from home.
Because some sexual abuse happens during care moments, sleepovers are safer when your kids can bath, toilet and dress themselves. Before this, it is a good idea to restrict sleepovers to people you know best.
Before the sleepover, check out the plans for the night. Find out who will be supervising and find out where the kids will be sleeping and who else will be there. Check with your kids whether they genuinely want to sleepover with the other children. Make sure that they’re not feeling pressured or attracted by something else in the house like games, toys, xbox etc. and that they will not have access to R rated games/movies/internet.
You can let the adults at the sleepover know about your family’s ‘touching rules’ and ‘no secrets’ rule in your family by saying something like “oh I thought I should probably mention that if Jo says something like ‘I’m not allowed to keep secrets’ or mentions ‘touching rules’, that it’s something our family has recently put in place. Touching rules are rules for private parts and say that it is ok to touch your own, it is not ok to touch someone else’s, and it is not ok for someone else to touch yours’. It is something we are heard about through HELP: Auckland. If you have any questions about any of it, please sing out”.
Arrange to call your child before bedtime to check their comfort levels. Make sure they know they can phone at any time – even in the middle of the night- if they are worried or concerned. It can help to arrange this in front of the sleepover parents so they know what you will be doing.
This Week’s Activities
Make a reminder list in your phone to use when your child has sleepovers. The list could include prompts like:
Babysitting checklist

• Does my kid genuinely want to go?
• What will the kids be doing? (check access to R rated material)
• Who’ll be supervising?
• Where will kids be sleeping (and with who)?
• Remind kids and sleepover parents about our ‘touching’ and ‘no secrets’ rules.
• Let supervising adults know you’ll call before bedtime and that your child can phone you anytime.

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​This week we will look at Babysitting and how to set up safer informal child care so that kids are safer when you’re not around.
It’s useful to understand that around half of all offending against children is done by teenagers (both male and female), and that teens who sexually abuse will often do so during baby-sitting. Babysitting (and sexual abuse) can be done by people of all ages so precautions should be taken regardless of the age of the babysitter.
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You can minimise risk associated with informal childcare (babysitting) by:

• Asking for references and check if past families had any concerns about safety.
• Spending time watching them interact with your children before you leave.
• Watching for cues of unsafe behaviour (https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/unsafe-adult-behaviour.html ).
• Not allowing babysitters to bring other people into your home while they are caring for your kids.

If family members are babysitting your kids:

• Remind them about the kind of touching and privacy that’s expected in your family (see our earlier post).
• If the family member has a partner or person with them that you’re not familiar with, make it clear that you are expecting the family member to care for the kids and that they shouldn’t be left alone with the other person.

This Week’s Activities:

• Talk about the kind of touching and privacy that is ok in your family. Ask the kids if they think these rules apply when they are being cared for by other people too?
• During Babysitting, mention to the babysitter that the kids might say ‘don’t keep secrets’ or may say something about ‘touching rules’ and show them the posters on your fridge as context. Ask them for their help in reinforcing these messages with the kids.
• After babysitting, ask your kids how they felt being cared for, and listen to what they tell you. Ask an open-ended question like, ‘how was it being baby sat by Aunty and Uncle last night?’ ‘Would you like to be looked after again by them?’

 
Please note, if you have an older child who has started babysitting other children you might like to talk with them about how they can also help keep kids safe by following the above strategies. You can also encourage them to talk with you about how comfortable they feel with the family they are babysitting, and develop specific strategies for minimising the time they are alone with the adults of the family (for example when they are being dropped home after babysitting). Being employed by another person should never make someone feel they cannot speak up about something that makes them uncomfortable.

​​How did you get on with last week’s activities around secrets? We heard that one child clearly told their grandparent that they couldn’t keep a sneaky feed of fish and chips secret from their mum because their household ‘only had surprises not secrets!’. Super cute and great to see children taking on the ‘no secrets’ rule so thoroughly.
Over the next few weeks, we will be looking at the people in children’s lives and how to minimise the risk of sexual abuse from them. A key part of this is to understand what clues might exist that someone is unsafe around kids.
Unfortunately, it is not possible to tell who is a risk to children by just looking at them. It is also not useful to assume someone is safe around children because they are in a position of trust (e.g. father/uncle/mother/grandparent/sibling), as most people who abuse children are known and trusted by the family.
If we want to protect children from sexual abuse, we need to notice WHAT people are doing around children, not WHO they are.
Positive behaviour to look out for in adults and older children include:

• People respect children’s wishes about how they are touched; such as when a child says to stop tickling or play fighting when they have had enough.
• Respecting children’s privacy around bathing and dressing.
• People being open to comments if their behaviour around children causes concern to others.

Concerning behaviour to look out for:

• Insisting on hugging, touching, tickling, wrestling or holding a child even when the child doesn’t want it.
• Talking about the sexuality or body development of a particular child/ teenager in front of the young person.
• Talking about inappropriate sexual behaviour with kids (e.g. talking about children feeling each other up/ pashing), or calling them sexual names, even in a joking way.
• Creating opportunities to be alone with a child where they won’t be interrupted.
• Spending lots of his/her spare time with kids and having little interest in spending time with people their own age.
• Making you feel ‘shut-out’ as a parent or isolating your child.
• Regularly offering to baby-sit for free, or taking children/ teens on overnight outings or holidays alone.
• Buying kids expensive gifts or food for no reason.
• Allowing kids to get away with inappropriate behaviours and having secrets with children.
• Repeatedly intruding on a child’s privacy by ‘accidentally’ walking in on them in the toilet, bathroom, or when getting dressed.
• Insisting on having an older child sleep with him/her.
• Excessive control over a child, like not letting the child be involved in activities outside the home or not allowing kids to make decisions for themselves.
• Visiting children’s chatrooms or downloading child pornography from the internet.
• Wanting their sexual partner to dress as a child or pretend they are a child during sex.

Please note: you don’t have to observe all these behaviours or be 100% sure that abuse is happening in order to seek help. If you know someone who behaves in any of these ways, this person may have a problem. The Safe to Talk Helpline can put you in touch with an organisation who can help.

People who sexually abuse children often encourage children to keep what they are doing a secret using:

• Guilt e.g. ‘you made me do this’, ‘this would destroy your mother if she found out’’,
• Denial e.g. ‘no one will believe you’
• Fear e.g. ‘if you tell I will kill your pet/ sister/ family’, or
• By making a child feel special e.g. ‘this is our special secret’.

We can help protect children from grooming and abuse by creating a ‘no secrets rule’ with kids. This kind of a rule can mean that people with harmful behaviours are less likely to choose your family to abuse; and if they do try to sexually abuse a child, the child is more likely to tell because they know that secrets are not allowed.
Make sure that children understand they should never keep a secret about any kind of touching, and that they won’t get into trouble if they tell you about any kind of secret.
This Week’s Activities:

• Make a ‘no secrets in our family’ poster or download a colouring in page with your kids and hang it on the fridge.
• Let kids know that you want to know if someone tries to get them to keep a secret and that nothing bad will happen to them (or anyone else) if they tell.
• Tell extended family members and caregivers about your ‘no secrets’ rule and ask for their support by not asking the kids to keep any secrets.
• Find out more about how other families deal with having a ‘no secrets’ rule.
• Help older pre-school children differentiate between secrets and a surprises by giving them scenarios and asking them to tell you if they think it is a secret or a surprise. E.g. “if I said ‘don’t tell your brother you got ice-cream while they were asleep’ would that be a secret or a surprise?”  and “If your mum takes you shopping to buy your sister a birthday present and tells you not to tell anyone what you bought, would you call that a Secret or a Surprise?” Be clear that a surprise is something people will find out about it soon and people can talk openly about it, but a secret is something people are asked to never tell anyone about.
• Read ‘What’s wrong with bottoms’ or watch ‘Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept’ and ask the kids to spot when a character comes across a secret. Ask the kids what the character should do about it? 

​​Part of helping to prevent child sexual abuse is being able to identify other people’s unsafe behaviour around children.
Unfortunately, it is not always easy to identify people who sexually abuse children. This is because people who harm children do not look any different than other people, and are most often people known and trusted by the family. Often, they are also members of the family and may be a child or young person themselves.
People who sexually abuse children typically ‘groom’ or prepare the family and child so they can carry out the abuse. They first usually gain the trust of the family, and then move on to create a special bond with the child, and make opportunities to be alone with the child. This process is called ‘grooming’.
Sometimes children are threatened to keep quiet about the abuse, and other times the child is encouraged to see the behaviour as a special or positive thing.
The first thing adults can do to identify possible ‘grooming’ is to look beyond WHO the people are around our kids, and focus on WHAT they are doing.  While it is often difficult to see, there are some behaviours that might indicate that someone is ‘grooming’ you or your child for sexual abuse.  Look out for people who:

• give gifts to children for no reason
• have a ‘favourite’ child
• like to be alone with a child
• have sleepovers with children
• don’t respect personal privacy and boundaries of children (e.g. walking in on children in the bathroom or getting dressed, tickling or holding children when they are uncomfortable with what is going on)
• offer to babysit alone with children
• comment on children’s bodies and sexual development
• seem annoyed or impatient if their time alone with kids is interrupted or observed.

Activity:

• Let your child know that you want to know if ANYONE breaks the three touching rules for private parts.
  • Let them know that you will believe and listen to them even if it is someone you know and love.
• Read ‘What’s Wrong with Bottoms’ with your child and talk about how good it is that the boy told his mum about the uncle touching his bottom.
• For extra information check out the booklet ‘Ending Offending Together’ (link http://rpe.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Ending_Offending_Together1.pdf )

 
 

Welcome back.
​Now that the kids have identified some adults they feel safe talking to, it’s important they also understand that there are some situations where adults might be busy or not be able to hear what they have to say. This doesn’t mean that they should stop telling, but more that they might need to keep telling until someone helps.
It is important for adults to also remember that children can express their distress in a variety of ways other than telling, and that it is our job to keep an eye out for behavioural, emotional or physical signs that they might not be ok (https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/childrens-sexual-behaviour-whats-normal-and-whats-not.html ). If we notice signs that a child is not ok, we can call a service like Safe to Talk helpline, Oranga Tamariki, a parenting centre, or HELP to ask for support about what to do next.
Activity:

• Remind the kids about the ‘safe adults’ they have chosen in last week’s drawing
• Ask them what would they do if the first person they wanted to talk to was busy?
• Help them understand that they might need to try to tell that person over and over until they listen.
• Tell them that if one person is not able to listen, they should try another of their safe adults and keep telling until someone helps.
• Get a book about ‘telling’ out of the library and read it together (HELP has a range of books on this topic).

Now that the kids have identified some adults they feel safe talking to, it’s important they also understand that there are some situations where adults might be busy or not be able to hear what they have to say. This doesn’t mean that they should stop telling, but more that they might need to keep telling until someone helps.
It is important for adults to also remember that children can express their distress in a variety of ways other than telling, and that it is our job to keep an eye out for behavioural, emotional or physical signs that they might not be ok (https://www.helpauckland.org.nz/childrens-sexual-behaviour-whats-normal-and-whats-not.html ). If we notice signs that a child is not ok, we can call a service like Safe to Talk helpline, Oranga Tamariki, a parenting centre, or HELP to ask for support about what to do next.
Activity:

• Remind the kids about the ‘safe adults’ they have chosen in last week’s drawing
• Ask them what would they do if the first person they wanted to talk to was busy?
• Help them understand that they might need to try to tell that person over and over until they listen.
• Tell them that if one person is not able to listen, they should try another of their safe adults and keep telling until someone helps.
• Get a book about ‘telling’ out of the library and read it together (HELP has a range of books on this topic).